(Cracked) Book Review: Barbarian's Mate by Ruby Dixon

Y'all ready for this? 

I first heard about this rather ludicrous series at the "Bananas Books" panel hosted by Sarah MacLean and Sophie Jordan at this year's KissCon (which just wrapped in Chicago two weeks ago and guys, it was amazing, I'll tell you about it later.)
One of the series someone brought up was the Ice Planet Barbarians series by Ruby Dixon. I'd never heard of it before. Frankly, the covers are amaze-bad. (See: lady about to give a giant blue man a blowjob.)

The basic premise of the series is this: A bunch of (gorgeous, thin, supermodel-esque) women all get abducted by aliens (???) and somehow (I don't know, I only read book 7) end up on this Hoth-like ice planet that is also inhabited by a race of caveman-like blue humanoid aliens who also have giant devil horns, and basically look like steroid-ridden cave men with giant blue dicks. Bananas, right?
It gets better. In order to survive on the planet, everyone has to have a "khui" put in their chest, which is a weird symbiote that keeps them alive. (I pictured the goa'uld from Stargate.) These khui resonate whenever it finds it's mate, and if two khui resonate but the people refuse to go to bonetown, they basically get sick and die.

In book 7, The Barbarian's Mate, our heroine, Josie, hasn't found her mate yet because she had an IUD on Earth which prevents resonation?? But guys, don't worry, because her IUD literally FALLS OUT OF HER VAGINA while she's sitting at a campfire one night. In true "what is this shiny thing by my feet?" fashion. She then immediately resonates with Haeden, the one barbarian in camp who she hates, and who hates her. Cue emotional turmoil!

I am a sucker for enemies to lovers stories, so I thought I'd jive with this one even if the premise seemed whackadoodle. Turns out Haeden doesn't hate her at all, he's just a giant blue ball of emotion and feels unworthy or some crap. This story is riddled with Josie doing super dumb things that put her in peril, strange sexual situations (like having sex while running??), and a ton of mixed up emotions. Also Haeden has a weird time picking up bits of the English language, so in his head, she is always JO-SEE?!? And they are searching for a MA-SHEEN!
Oh, and you know how much I hate babies in my romance. The whole point of the boning seems to be propagating the blue alien species, so literally everyone has sex all the time, and there's so many babies, you guys.

Also, being barbarians, there's a lot of weird possessive shit going on that I didn't care for.
Clearly this series was not written for me, guys. I am not romance shaming in any way. If you are into giant blue horned aliens who are hella posessive and need your vagina to live, by all means, read this series! There's like 30 of them! Some have blue babies on the covers.

I probably won't check out any more of this series, unless it's a buddy read (I'm looking at you, Ell) but it was definitely a fun experience if nothing else.

Two blue, horny stars.

You can find it here: GoodReads | Amazon (It is available on Kindle Unlimited for free)

Love,
Lady P.